Winds of Change

Things are changing in my life. Not in a good way. I have a hard time dealing with change on a good day, but this is something I never thought would happen. When I found out, I decided during a sleepless night to create this blog. To document myself coming to terms with this change in a life where I was already battling depression. My hopes are that one day, I will be able to be happy just because I want to be. I hope to move past what is happening and start anew and stop allowing myself to hold me back from enjoying life and passing up opportunities.

Some things you should know about me:

1. I have social anxiety. Even online, where most can be themselves behind anonymity, I have a hard time talking to people. But in real life, it’s even worse, and this has held me back from things such as meeting new people and getting a job, which I have to get over because I need to start a job search.
2. My mother is an alcoholic and a hoarder. Has been for as long as I can remember. I live in a messy home (my own room aside) and though I’ve tried several times to clean it up, it always goes right back to where it started because no one would put it away. Because of her alcoholism, she has a hard time holding a job.
3. We are broke. Also have been just for about as long as I can remember. We’re in debt, we don’t make enough money to cover our bills. My mother and brother are really bad about spending the money we don’t have right and left. It’s hard to save money when you’re whole family isn’t in on it.

Now we get to what has happened in the past week.

The first: My mom lost her job. I won’t get into the details about what happened, but let’s just say her alcoholism is ultimately what caused it. She was working the front desk at a local vet’s office, and though she didn’t really make a lot of money, she made enough where we were somehow able to scrape by every week.

Seven days later, we got the letter. The letter informing us that our home was being foreclosed upon. Now I haven’t talked about my home yet, but I will now. I am twenty-two years old, twenty-three in January. My parents lived in this home for five years before I was born. It’s the only home I’ve ever known. It’s five acres of pasture and woods, and it’s where I grew up, it’s where I learned everything I know, it’s where I played, where I laughed, where I cried. For twenty-two years.

And now that’s over.

My mom and dad met with an attorney today and the best course of action was decided. We would try and sell the house ourselves before the foreclosure was carried out. Then I guess we’ll go find somewhere else to live, rent most like. Likely somewhere not away from other houses. A neighborhood. An apartment building. I’ve never lived anywhere like that before (except at school and I was miserable there). But I’m trying to keep an open mind about it. Because it is happening.

Now we have to somehow clean this house up asap before we can put it up for sale. Something I honestly don’t see how it’s possible. But we have to.

This blog will document this time in my life, my struggles to overcome my fears and absolute sadness over what has happened.  And I hope one day, I can come and accept it, and look at it as a turning point in my life rather than a tragedy.