Memories

Another sleepless night.

So much for the thought that I would feel a lot better when I wake up. The only good thing is that this day promises to be better in that I don’t plan on sitting around at the house all day. I actually have things to do (a nap being one of them).

I thought I was doing good, besides the sleeplessness, but then that damn song came on. I sleep with this relaxing Pandora channel playing all night. ‘Only Time’ by Enya. That may sound crazy to you. But that song takes me to other places in time.

Back in what I call the good old days, we used to go to this place called Camp Greenville for a weekend twice a year, once on Memorial Day and once on Labor Day. At first I went around doing all the activities (I reckoned myself pretty good at archery), but I gradually spent more and more time at the horse barn. There was this one girl who was there a few years, Tine I believe though I’m not sure of the spelling. And she really touched my life. I remember this speech she gave me once by my cabin, drawing a circle in the dirt to show how much my confidence had gone up with the horses (I’d had a bad riding accident a few years back that I still say is the reason for my lack of confidence before. Before that accident, I was invincible on a horse, or so I thought). And I grew really attached to her. At one time, when we were riding in her truck back to camp from the barn, that song came on and she was singing to it. Even now, 10+ years later, it still makes me think of her. Of better times in my life. When I was happy and didn’t have a care in the world. I long for those times.

Well, I as awake when that song came on. Or maybe I woke up to it. Maybe I’m so in tuned to that song that it woke me up as soon as it came on. But, as always, my mind went back to those days. Which never fails to make me sad. Which, topped on this never-ending sadness I seem to be in, didn’t feel so good. And then my thoughts started to wander.

This home is going to feel like that one day. I’m going to look back on it in the same way whenever something reminds me of it. Which, for awhile, will be everything. Twenty-two years is a long time, and there are a lot of memories to go with it. And I hit a realization.

One day, this house will only be a memory in the back of my mind, drawn out by a song or smell or sound. And those types of memories are the best memories. And the most painful.