Memories

Another sleepless night.

So much for the thought that I would feel a lot better when I wake up. The only good thing is that this day promises to be better in that I don’t plan on sitting around at the house all day. I actually have things to do (a nap being one of them).

I thought I was doing good, besides the sleeplessness, but then that damn song came on. I sleep with this relaxing Pandora channel playing all night. ‘Only Time’ by Enya. That may sound crazy to you. But that song takes me to other places in time.

Back in what I call the good old days, we used to go to this place called Camp Greenville for a weekend twice a year, once on Memorial Day and once on Labor Day. At first I went around doing all the activities (I reckoned myself pretty good at archery), but I gradually spent more and more time at the horse barn. There was this one girl who was there a few years, Tine I believe though I’m not sure of the spelling. And she really touched my life. I remember this speech she gave me once by my cabin, drawing a circle in the dirt to show how much my confidence had gone up with the horses (I’d had a bad riding accident a few years back that I still say is the reason for my lack of confidence before. Before that accident, I was invincible on a horse, or so I thought). And I grew really attached to her. At one time, when we were riding in her truck back to camp from the barn, that song came on and she was singing to it. Even now, 10+ years later, it still makes me think of her. Of better times in my life. When I was happy and didn’t have a care in the world. I long for those times.

Well, I as awake when that song came on. Or maybe I woke up to it. Maybe I’m so in tuned to that song that it woke me up as soon as it came on. But, as always, my mind went back to those days. Which never fails to make me sad. Which, topped on this never-ending sadness I seem to be in, didn’t feel so good. And then my thoughts started to wander.

This home is going to feel like that one day. I’m going to look back on it in the same way whenever something reminds me of it. Which, for awhile, will be everything. Twenty-two years is a long time, and there are a lot of memories to go with it. And I hit a realization.

One day, this house will only be a memory in the back of my mind, drawn out by a song or smell or sound. And those types of memories are the best memories. And the most painful.

The Beginning of the End

It’s started to sink in.

The fact that this is actually happening, that we have to leave this home behind. Today, dad had me start looking for rental houses. He’s being very picky about prices. He wants to stick in prices at about $500-$600. Which is going to be really hard to find for a three bedroom, two bathroom home that is in good shape and allows pets.


Then when we got home, our outside cat (who has been around for at least ten years) was around and we talked about what we would do with her. Dad said we could just leave her behind. That didn’t help the emotional turmoil I was already in over the fact that we are actually looking at houses now. We really are loosing this home.

He told me he wanted to go ahead and find a place. We aren’t making house payments anymore, so it won’t really be an added expense. Then we can just go ahead and start moving our furniture out and all our things. Which will make cleaning the house up easier. Especially since we can’t put it up for sale until the realtor comes and looks at it. And we certainly can’t try to sell it as messy as it is. We’re going to have to do something, but the workload is huge and daunting.

On top of this, I start a new semester in three weeks. I’m scared how I’m going to handle the workload of school on top of all of this, especially if the workload is anything like it was last semester. Plus, I’m supposed to be looking for a job because in about a month, the one I have now is going to slow way down like it always does this time of year. I have anxiety problems. I don’t know how all of this happening at once is going to go.

In other news, the next few days will at least provide a distraction. Tomorrow morning, I’m going with the lady I work for to a lesson with one of her horses, Hannah, who gave me trouble when I was working last week. The only downside is that it’s at seven in the morning. Then tomorrow night, I’m going out with my friends for one of their birthdays. And Friday is the Olympics Opening Ceremony, and I’m watching it with another friend. Right now, distraction is what I need, at least a little chance every day to forget what’s happening so I don’t think and worry about it too much.

I’m not sure how it’s going to go when I have to actually start packing up my things.

Winds of Change

Things are changing in my life. Not in a good way. I have a hard time dealing with change on a good day, but this is something I never thought would happen. When I found out, I decided during a sleepless night to create this blog. To document myself coming to terms with this change in a life where I was already battling depression. My hopes are that one day, I will be able to be happy just because I want to be. I hope to move past what is happening and start anew and stop allowing myself to hold me back from enjoying life and passing up opportunities.

Some things you should know about me:

1. I have social anxiety. Even online, where most can be themselves behind anonymity, I have a hard time talking to people. But in real life, it’s even worse, and this has held me back from things such as meeting new people and getting a job, which I have to get over because I need to start a job search.
2. My mother is an alcoholic and a hoarder. Has been for as long as I can remember. I live in a messy home (my own room aside) and though I’ve tried several times to clean it up, it always goes right back to where it started because no one would put it away. Because of her alcoholism, she has a hard time holding a job.
3. We are broke. Also have been just for about as long as I can remember. We’re in debt, we don’t make enough money to cover our bills. My mother and brother are really bad about spending the money we don’t have right and left. It’s hard to save money when you’re whole family isn’t in on it.

Now we get to what has happened in the past week.

The first: My mom lost her job. I won’t get into the details about what happened, but let’s just say her alcoholism is ultimately what caused it. She was working the front desk at a local vet’s office, and though she didn’t really make a lot of money, she made enough where we were somehow able to scrape by every week.

Seven days later, we got the letter. The letter informing us that our home was being foreclosed upon. Now I haven’t talked about my home yet, but I will now. I am twenty-two years old, twenty-three in January. My parents lived in this home for five years before I was born. It’s the only home I’ve ever known. It’s five acres of pasture and woods, and it’s where I grew up, it’s where I learned everything I know, it’s where I played, where I laughed, where I cried. For twenty-two years.

And now that’s over.

My mom and dad met with an attorney today and the best course of action was decided. We would try and sell the house ourselves before the foreclosure was carried out. Then I guess we’ll go find somewhere else to live, rent most like. Likely somewhere not away from other houses. A neighborhood. An apartment building. I’ve never lived anywhere like that before (except at school and I was miserable there). But I’m trying to keep an open mind about it. Because it is happening.

Now we have to somehow clean this house up asap before we can put it up for sale. Something I honestly don’t see how it’s possible. But we have to.

This blog will document this time in my life, my struggles to overcome my fears and absolute sadness over what has happened.  And I hope one day, I can come and accept it, and look at it as a turning point in my life rather than a tragedy.